And then this thing happened. I won't go into details here...because it all sounds like catty drama (which, perhaps, it is) and because I have no readers so really, I'm the only one who needs to know what happened — and I already do.
So this thing happened, and it wasn't like a fight, but I'm upset with her. She may be upset with me — you'd have to ask her. But she seriously ticked me off. Not by doing any one thing, really — I mean, she did do a thing. But the thing made me realize a lot about her as a person. And, what I learned, I didn't like.
This all went down on December 12, 2009. Since then, we've had minimal contact. Which, might I add, hasn't really helped with my overall feelings about the situation or about her as a person (again) and friend.
She finally approached me on January 6 (via text) saying that if I wanted to talk, we could. I replied that I'd think about it, or that I'd let her know...something along those lines. (I should mention that the timing of this, the space between the "thing" and her approaching me, also didn't help matters at all.) (Also, more "things" have occurred since January 6, and in between December 12 and January 6, and none of them have been favorable for my opinion of T...)
Since the forced, faux-friendly text conversation on January 6, I've been considering it, considering having a heart-to-heart with her and talking this whole thing out, as she offered. I've been thinking about it. And the thought I keep thinking about it is: I can't imagine anything that she could say that would fix this. I imagine she'd say she was sorry. And I'm sure she is. But that means virtually nothing to me — because how do you apologize for your inherent self? I can't think of anything she could say to make our friendship whole (or existent) again, because of the things I've learned about her. Call it cognitive dissonance, if you will. The image I had of her as a friend and as a general human being is basically ruined — it was all wrong, I had the wrong idea. And what I've seen of who she truly is (or perhaps, more accurately, who she's become), the more I realize that it just isn't in line with the template I have in mind for friend. Who she is doesn't match up with someone I'd want to be friends with.
Some days, when I think about this — & I do most every day — I feel that I'm being incredibly harsh. I think, Am I really willing to throw away this great friendship over something like this? How very petty of me! But upon further reflection I realize that it isn't petty, and it isn't a small issue. And, our friendship wasn't so great to begin with. There are a few vital lessons in friendship, and in just being a functioning (and interacting-with-other-people) person in general, that T seems to have missed. They are just small things that have always bothered me about our friendship, but now they have come to surface, and added to all of the other things boiling in the pot, it makes a very bitter, broken relationship soup. One that I think I'd rather not eat.
So for the most part, I've been thinking that it is just done, and there is no need to try for any redemption because I truly honestly can't imagine anything coming out of T's mouth to make me feel any better about all of this. I know she is sorry and it changes nothing for me.
But it occurred to me this evening that perhaps she would say something that I can't imagine, that I haven't been picturing, and that maybe I owe her a chance to speak her piece. Just because I can't think of what she could say that would offer me any hope of regaining what we once had doesn't necessarily mean that she can't. Maybe she'd say something profound, novel, something I hadn't even considered. But I doubt it.
Life is rather lonely without her at times — but I think of her less often than I would have predicted. I miss her much less, and much less often, than I figured I would. Maybe this is just a normal, growing-up, poignant life transition? Those seem to be an occurrence of everyday adult life, from my observations. We'd already been drifting apart, in my eyes; not to mention the fact that, as mentioned above, our friendship was lacking some key things all along that would kind of help this type of transition to be easier.
I'm at a stalemate. I don't have to decide anything immediately, as right now she is not in a situation in which we could even have this purported talk. She'll be back in this state in a matter of weeks, and I think by that point I'll need to have reached a decision. I know I will have to see her and spend a moderate amount of time in her company (a complication of the entire situation, or perhaps a cause of it, but that is a whole separate story) and I feel that at that time, I need to be able to tell her, Yes, let's talk, I am available for coffee on Friday or No, I can't think of anything you can say to make things any different, and I think we've reached our fork in the road.
I just can't decide. Maybe I should let her say her piece. There isn't much harm in that — she could say what she wanted, and if it, as I am foreseeing, isn't anything earth-shattering or life-changing, I can still tell her that I think our time is up.
I keep meaning to bring this up to my
Final thoughts:
• My fiance is now my best friend (and close to being my only friend).
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